Mind Games

“Do you believe in me? Do you question the path once took?
Do we really know if this is our fate, or if another route could wonderhave worked out… just as good? ”

Comfortable slides past desire, because it’s all too consuming. Choosing the ease and easy rather than the fire. Hosting a fabulous mess, our emotions rock us into new dimensions. One moment you thank your lucky stars & the next you want a recount and a new judge..

The trick is to keep moving, plan your next step forward. Looking back is too daunting.
Your mind will tell you, you are wrong. Your heart in a moment of heat demands you to be strong.

“I’ve got to let go of this mess, this troubled space that tells me it’s a nest.
There is nothing there to nurture~ no food, water or flavour. Only oceans of despair.”

make believe love hurtThe space where there once was, sits only a voice that echoes. No living person. Yes it is fun to wonder into a land of make-believe, until you realise it’s not living, its a disease. A mental conspiracy.

What I’ve learnt

It’s been over a year since I last wrote a post.. and might I add – It’s been quite the year. Full of many wonders, discoveries, changes and challenges.
Yet, the biggest thing that has changed is my negotiation skills (with myself).
The questions I ask internally and externally day-to-day…
Is this really good enough?
Am I satisfied?
Can I go deeper?
Can I do more?
Why did I respond in that way?season
Mixed in with a subtle submission to the process of getting better. Not just for myself, but for the people around me. Did you ever stop to think as to who is watching you?

I came to realise as much as I want it all to be about me, it never is. The things we do now affect what we become and what we become influences everything and everyone. Including phase 3 of our development as a human race.

Let me take you back…

Phase 1 – Dependant on others. As a baby or child you can’t help but be dependant on the people around you to survive. To feed us, clothe us and shelter us. Granted, it was not always meant to stay that way. If you are an adult and have people in your life who you need, you will find out quickly that they may not need you in the same way & it hurts… A lot.
We can not expect someone to be responsible for us when all they can be responsible for, is themselves.

Phase 2 – Independent. <Insert severe growing pains here>
I found a comfortable rebellious streak in this phase of life. Usually it finds us in our adolescence years and the need to be independent from everyone and everything kicks in (because I know best and I have it all figured out). Phase 2 sometimes lingers for those who have been hurt or betrayed in their dependant years by others. Their inability to trust keeps them independent but rather than feeling disconnected from the human race, it is vital to be inter-connected. Which brings me to the most import phase.

screen-shot-2016-09-15-at-12-38-32-pmPhase 3 – interdependent.
Using the valuable skills you have learnt from your previous 2 stages. It is important to know your worth. Trust yourself and have people in your life that you can seek wisdom from that have what you are looking for in this search for meaning.

To get you must first give.

To give in an interdependent condition is to also receive. Which, in itself, is reassuring in a positive cycle we are on the right path with the right people. Once you change, you will find almost an automatic transition to have the people we interact with, change too. Sometimes by chance or progression, sometimes on purpose or by force.

We don’t try to become someones dependant, or disrespect their independence. But rather seek counsel from the experience of those who offer an equal and mutual respect for us and our worth. Co-existing.

There is something to learn from everyone. Some things that stick out to me in a particular situation; whether it be frustration, pure joy, love or anxiety means that it is something within me to learn about. Only I am having this experience and so I need to listen to that. The person next to me may not even realise it is happening because they are on their own path.

Interdependence does not work unless you are first strong enough in yourself to make your own decisions and go against the grain of what “everyone else” is doing to pursue your own purpose. Be different, be curious about your life. Figure out what brings you here and how you came to know those around you?

Every person that flows through my life has been a marker in my journey. I did not have to agree with them or match their enthusiasm for certain interests, but I did and still do, love all of them. They were either here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (or, of course, Facebook likes).

There is no good or bad, there is just me responding to it. Maturity comes once we can see things as they are. Life is a journey, walk the phases.

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Real Love ~ 5 years

I met a guy once. He made me feel whole. He made my face crinkle. He made my stomach feel full. His wit was full of wonder. His eyes sparkling grace. This blue-eyed assassin was attempting to take my heart, from our very first encounter.

With a subtle look, I see all that he needs. To only I, he seemed so easy to read. Loyalty like no other, bound by magnificence and stature. He was no longer looking anywhere but through the eyes of my soul. Having nothing more than a cheeky grin, to use as a spell. Channeling my inner child. My inner freedom. Words fail to explain the way that this was always meant to go.

Fear kept me bound a little while. Praying to God one night. I asked him to allow me to surrender. To be enlightened by life’s biggest wonder. To understand what love was all about. His response, much to my delight.
Enter stage, Dominic Alexander McKenna…

“It’s not the yearning you get the first thing in the morning. It’s not something that knocks you about. It is however, a feeling of forever, It’s a peaceful kiss that endures the weather. It’s a feeling of without you I go nowhere. It’s the reminder of what put all the universe together… Having no rage towards any dismay, because our love is so much deeper than having to have the bed made.

Love comes softly. Wraps its arms around you regardless of whether you feel like talking. It beacons you to be better, pushing you outside your level of comfort… ever so slightly. It manages to trick you into believing, you were always created to do better. Affirming day by day all that has grown, all that we’ve sown in that which we accomplish together.”

5 years today, we’ve spent figuring out: All the good & all the bad. All that makes us feel proud – Visions, dreams and goals. All that makes u feel sad – Nightmares, weaknesses and potholes. Yet nothing comes close to the journey we were always meant to walk together. Hand in hand, heart to heart. Every day is a fresh start. From the moment we met – I knew it was a day that I could never again forget.
You will always, Dominic McKenna – be my forever.

DomKat McKenna

#NoRegrets

We struggle with life, expecting things to happen in a certain way. Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 8.07.30 pmYou swear, you pray. You feel that life has to turn out “this kind of” way. Something is missing. Something isn’t right.

Time passes, the mindset still remains the same. What was put in your path while stuck reminiscing, was always meant to stay. Not the thoughts twirling through the mind. Hopeless dreaming. They in fact, were the ones that had to die. Moving you into a new dimension. A new version of you was born, ever so easily. So slowly, that you didn’t notice until it was too late. Fate acting on your behalf. Until you were strong enough to carry your own weight.

Time changes. Feelings waver. What once was, never stays the same. The only 2 things that matter is: How much we loved. How deeply we tried. And how quickly we let go of those things that hurt us. No longer serving us.

We are 2 of the same. 2 souls. 2 beings. Trying to live. Whatever you are doing right now – feel it. It was always meant to be this way.

surf wave#NoRegrets

I’d rather be

disconnectSome things aren’t easy. Some days are tough.. but I’d rather be a person with integrity, strong and steady. Than hidden in the rough. Unaware of whats to come. 

 I’d rather you see me hurting, than to have to puff my chest up. Too long I hold my breath. Waiting for a moment you come to your sense… I can’t foresee an end. 

 I’d rather be authentic, than lie about a worthless cause. I’d rather you burn me now, than live a life unworthy of the fraud. 

I’d rather suffer the pain, than to learn the hard way. Kick it to me straight up. I’m no stranger to the insane. I’m pretty sure I was born that way anyway… 

I’d rather be a visionary, than to be understood. We don’t have to agree, so much of what you say brings unease, uncertain in all your ways.

I’d rather you know the inside of me. All the parts of me. Because if it’s not enough, I have nothing more to give. No more air to breathe.
My heart is always open, but it’s not for you to keep.

Costly Comparison

Walk out on the street. What do you see? Everything outside of me. What I am compared to you. What I lack next to you.
walkinhWe walk a path and come to be, comparing ourselves against everybody.

What we hear
What we know
What we see
Billboards and Facebook scenarios.

“You can be better — You should live like this”
Everything screams comparison. Til there is no room left for us…

We all want the world to see, what I decide for it to be.

Love, life, glory & achievements.
Disappointment, rants, trolling and sadness.
Consistently drawing attention away from what we need in actuality.

ponderingIt begs the question;
Why not start by being kind
– to the face looking back at me.
– to the person I am yet to be.
– to the soul mate who deals with my highs and lows.
– to the friend who may genuinely need my help.

What we give out we get. If you can’t accept yourself. How do you begin to love someone else?
Who we are, what we become. Starts with an acceptance of the darker part of ourselves.

Be kind
Be true
Be a light in the darkness
Choose hope
Choose love
You are perfect.

Be kind
Be true… To you…

wave

Mirror Images

love water bubble purple
“How can you show patience towards another,
if you do not practise it on your own?..

How can you show tolerance to those you love,
if you do not first forgive the mistakes you have sown?

How can you meet others where they are at,
until you have first allowed yourself room to grow?”

It all starts and ends with me.
My outreach is determined by the depth of my inner peace.
How much I accept myself – in all my faults.
Determines how much those around me, reflect back at me.

rush love